I have been noticeably absent from this blog for a little over a month now. Not because there is a lack of things to talk about, but because I have been riding the waves of my depression lately. I have let my depression win the day way too often, and because of that my blog has taken a back seat. I have had depression since high school, and I manage it. Sometimes it’s managed to the point where it’s very far in the back of my mind, but sometimes it manages me, clinging to the forefront of my thoughts on a regular basis. The waves crashed over me a month ago and I have been struggling to get to shore since then. I am comfortable talking about it because in reality, not talking about it makes it worse. When depression begins to be secretive and hidden, then it has the ability to crawl deeper into my brain and lay down roots. So the depression has been winning, and I stopped writing. That is the explanation in a nutshell.
Everyone makes changes differently. I am someone who has to take small steps. I have learned from the past that if I attempt big steps than I get overwhelmed and anxious and then I quit. So small steps it is. Steps like making an appt with a counselor, and talking to someone about changing my anti depression dose. Changes like walking more and getting outside. My weight is easily the heaviest ever. So if I let the depression win, then I eat because I am sad over the number on the scale. But then the number only gets higher by eating, so then I eat more. Down we go in the spiral. Small changes allow things to settle in, and it becomes manageable.
But I am here, and I am writing. Because things need to be said. Life goes on when you are depressed. You still have to function, and raise kids and feed your family. Your house still needs cleaned and bills paid. Life is in constant motion, so to give up isn’t an option.
Noah is getting into his second to last phase before he enters Maintenance. This phase will be a challenge. He is back on steroids every other week along with his weekly chemo. I have been dreading this phase for weeks now. Steroids are horrible for a 5yo. Honestly, they are probably horrible for everyone, but for the younger ones who don’t have the ability to recognize certain emotions and talk about them, it’s challenging. The emotional roller coaster is enough to send any caretaker into the bottom of the vodka bottle. On top of the chemo and all of the accumulative effects of the chemo he has gotten before, they say these next 2 months will be hard. His numbers will drop ( his white blood cell counts, the blood cells that fight infection) so we will probably be spending a lot of time at home. We are also entering the cold and flu season, which is Ohio feels like it lasts half the year, oh wait…it does. Because of the winter, his low numbers and the season of sickness, I have been collecting different craft projects to do during these times that he can’t leave the house. Chad also went on Ebay and got a Wii along with some learning games. A year ago if you had told me we were going to be buying our 5yo a gaming system, I would have told you that you were insane. But when you go through 3 craft projects by noon, you have to get a little creative with how you are spending your time. A bored 5yo is not a pleasant person to be around.
Fall is here in Ohio, and with that the cooler weather.
I have tried taking this time as an opportunity to get the kids out of the house and enjoy my favorite time of the year.
There is lots more to talk about and say. But it’s too early and I am too tired. Plus I’m sure your coffee has gotten cold reading this, as mine has writing it. So I will go refill and start my day.
Thanks for listening.