Days 3-5

So ok. Maybe you started reading my blog because you wanted to follow our cancer journey. That subject isn’t going anywhere. That kiddo is sitting next to me right now with a cough that is making me nervous so he is still on the forefront of my thoughts at all times. But what I have realized now that we are 7 months into this shit show, is that it’s not ok for me to let myself get lost in his care. I got so lost that I became hidden behind pound after pound of unhappiness. So what I’m trying to say is I think it’s ok for me to talk about myself every once in a while, and I hope you think it’s ok too. Or if you have no interest in this than you can just skip to the next blog, I won’t take it personally. Asshole. 

Sorry that was mean, I take it back. 

( not really) 

Moving on!

So I am currently on day 6. I am still knee deep into the whole ‘ I feel like dog shit’ phase. I have started walking more and because of that, my foot hurts. It’s like a tight muscle or something, nothing too alarming, but it still sucks. Also I wake up every morning with a headache. Like a dull mind numbing headache. So that is fun. 

I am down 4 lbs. 

Coffee still tastes like butt juice. But I’m drinking it because it’s all I have IT’S ALL I HAVE!! 

Highs and Lows:


* 4 lbs down

* Dex is sleeping better

* Starbucks hasn’t claimed all my money


* I hate everyone. 

* I’m obviously bitter

* ass butt coffee

* I miss beer really bad
That is about it. I am too tired this morning to be quippy. Just know I am giving everyone the finger. But I don’t mean it. Ok, I only mean it a little. And really it’s just those carb eating, beer drinking, latte ordering people. Just those people. 

I might be a little bitchy. 

Day 2

To celebrate the fact I am now 2 days sugar free I’d like to talk about the highs and lows so far. 


*my kids don’t know yet when to pick up on the signs that mommy needs to be left the fuck alone because she is a ball of anger. It’s my fault because I’ve obviously failed them as a parent. 

*You know when you go to tear off a paper towel and it doesn’t tear where it should? So then you are left with a FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER TOWEL THAT YOU CAN’T USE FOR ANYTHING. That. 

*my husband. Just generally annoying today with his ” how are you doing today” text. HOW DO YOU THINK I’M DOING ASSHOLE. 

* my dogs are barking too much

* my coffee tastes like ass


* Dex slept through the night last night

*  I haven’t stabbed anyone today
Day 2 done.

The anger sharks are circling.

No where to go but up

I was talking to a fellow cancer mom the other day about stress. When you are a mom, there is a normal amount of stress in your life. You worry about car accidents and kidnappers and drugs and various other things that keep you up at night. But when your worst fears come true, and you find yourself not only caring for your healthy kids, but for one very sick kiddo as well…the stress takes on a new shape. 

Everyone deals with stress differently. Some know how to deal with it in a healthy manner, and they workout or do yoga to find their calm. Some seek out therapy and possibly some medications. Then there are people like me, who nose dive off the cliff of sanity and eat their way to numb the pain. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I am a stress eater. I am queen of the stress eaters. In my kingdom there is Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes and hidden bags of Reeces cups. I live in the ongoing cycle of eating, gaining weight, eating, gain weight…etc ( you get the picture)

So then the question becomes what do I do to fix it, to fix myself. Because this train will eventually run off the track, and quite honestly, that’s just not something that I have the luxury of dealing with. 

The answer is 60 days No sugar

The Rules:

*No added sugars

*No alcohol

*No honey or agave

*No artificial sweeteners

Today was day 1. Chad and I got into a huge fight, I continued to yell randomly throughout the day, once even at my 10mo ( in my defense he fucking PULLS MY HAIR OUT AND IT MAKES ME CRAZY). It’s not pretty. I miss my classic vanilla creamer. This bs half and half just makes me sad. I am basically hungry 1000% of my day and I hate everyone. 

So…onto day 2! Let the suckage continue!!

Shut up. 


* weeps quietly* 


As most of you have noticed, there is something else in the title of this blog that has yet to really be talked about. And since I talk about caffeine and my adoration of it pretty often, it’s the Homesteading part. Chad and I are slowly dipping our toes into the life of Homesteaders. Before Noah’s diagnosis, we were making big strides into changing our lives to more simpler ones. The idea of the Homesteader is that you live off what you grow. This isn’t a debate for meat eaters vs vegetarians ( or vegans). We eat meat. I personally see certain animals as food and we act accordingly with it. I could talk a bit about how much fossil fuels are used to bring that kiwi to the table, but that is kind of pointless. Because this isn’t a blog about preaching my ideas to others in the idea that I have found the right way to live, and everyone else is wrong. It’s just talking about how we do things.

A week ago Chad culled 4 of our roosters. Yes, we had 4 roosters. We got a flock in late spring, then a few weeks ago Chad noticed that 4 of them had tail feathers. We can’t have 5 roosters and 15 hens. Those poor girls wouldn’t be able to take all 0f the “attention”, and quite honestly it’s not fair to them. So Chad decided to take a step into Homesteading and he processed them. This is the part of the story where I tell you that I couldn’t watch. I didn’t want to see the setup, I didn’t want to see the process, I wanted to close my eyes and pretend it wasn’t happening at all. See, the part of Homesteading I like is the gardening. It’s the growing of vegetables and fruits from the dirt. It’s feeding our kids foods that we know were grown in the best and most natural way possible. I don’t have a moral issue with culling the chickens, I just didn’t want to see it. So maybe I am  a Homesteader lite.

Our life goal for our family is to eventually move to a home with 5-10 acres. To have that land be our life. To grow everything we eat. I can’t speak for everyone but I can say that the reason we are choosing a life like this is I see the direction that our society is going, and it makes me want to move in the opposite direction. We have grocery stores filled with foods that aren’t really foods. Things that are made in factories and processed to the point where there isn’t a lot (if any) nutritional content left. We are feeding our kids produce that was grown from a seed that is not found in nature, that is again, grown in a lab and produced in a factory. While we buy bananas for our smoothies, I try to make efforts to not buy produce that has traveled more than I have. Because I would feel like I had no right to complain about our environment  or even the price of gas if I am contributing to the issue by buying foods that are grown halfway across the country. I am not sitting here saying that our way is the right way. I am just saying it’s our way. People have a way of getting defensive when I talk about where your food comes from. Or they can get upset when I talk about the fact that we eat meat. But the reality is, our way is just simply our way. This will probably be a recurring theme here because I don’t want anyone to think I am being judgy or preachy. Or anything else that ends with -y.



I don’t talk a lot about Homesteading here, because it’s taken a back seat with everything going on with Noah. But with his health issues, it’s even more important to make sure and try to feed the kids foods that are the best, and that means local and grown in a organic way. Our garden went to hell this year because Noah was in the hospital right at the time where everything would be going into the ground. But next year we have hopes to have something really amazing.

So if I was being honest, am I am Homesteader? No. But I want t0 be, and I know that is what is best for everyone here.

And knowing is half the battle.

*cue 80’s theme music*

Sometimes you handle your shit, and sometimes the shit handles you.

I have been noticeably absent from this blog for a little over a month now. Not because there is a lack of things to talk about, but because I have been riding the waves of my depression lately. I have let my depression win the day way too often, and because of that my blog has taken a back seat. I have had depression since high school, and I manage it. Sometimes it’s managed to the point where it’s very far in the back of my mind, but sometimes it manages me, clinging to the forefront of my thoughts on a regular basis. The waves crashed over me a month ago and I have been struggling  to get to shore since then. I am comfortable talking about it because in reality, not talking about it makes it worse. When depression begins to be secretive and hidden, then it has the ability to crawl deeper into my brain and lay down roots. So the depression has been winning, and I stopped writing. That is the explanation in a nutshell.

Everyone makes changes differently. I am someone who has to take small steps. I have learned from the past that if I attempt big steps than I get overwhelmed and anxious and then I quit. So small steps it is. Steps like making an appt with a counselor, and talking to someone about changing my anti depression dose. Changes like walking more and getting outside. My weight is easily the heaviest ever. So if I let the depression win, then I eat because I am sad over the number on the scale. But then the number only gets higher by eating, so then I eat more. Down we go in the spiral. Small changes allow things to settle in, and it becomes manageable.

But I am here, and I am writing. Because things need to be said. Life goes on when you are depressed. You still have to function, and raise kids and feed your family. Your house still needs cleaned and bills paid. Life is in constant motion, so to give up isn’t an option.

Noah is getting into his second to last phase before he enters Maintenance. This phase will be a challenge. He is back on steroids every other week along with his weekly chemo. I have been dreading this phase for weeks now. Steroids are horrible for a 5yo. Honestly, they are probably horrible for everyone, but for the younger ones who don’t have the ability to recognize certain emotions and talk about them, it’s challenging. The emotional roller coaster is enough to send any caretaker into the bottom of the vodka bottle. On top of the chemo and all of the accumulative effects of the chemo he has gotten before, they say these next 2 months will be hard. His numbers will drop ( his white blood cell counts, the blood cells that fight infection) so we will probably be spending a lot of time at home. We are also entering the cold and flu season, which is Ohio feels like it lasts half the year, oh wait…it does. Because of the winter, his low numbers and the season of sickness, I have been collecting different craft projects to do during these times that he can’t leave the house. Chad also went on Ebay and got a Wii along with some learning games. A year ago if you had told me we were going to be buying our 5yo a gaming system, I would have told you that you were insane. But when you go through 3 craft projects by noon, you have to get a little creative with how you are spending your time. A bored 5yo is not a pleasant person to be around.

Fall is here in Ohio, and with that the cooler weather.   14369936_10209291906127211_3655524510572054152_n14479594_10208316102598381_1042467551932471206_n

 I have tried taking this time as an opportunity to get the kids out of the house and enjoy my favorite time of the year. 

There is lots more to talk about and say. But it’s too early and I am too tired. Plus I’m sure your coffee has gotten cold reading this, as mine has writing it. So I will go refill and start my day.

Thanks for listening.

Messy thoughts and bouts of crying

Do you ever feel like you are so fragmented in your life that you can’t actually sit down and get anything done? Like your thoughts are all over the place and you can’t finish a task and you are so poorly organized that it almost makes you a little insane? I can’t think it’s just me.

This past week I haven’t written anything. Mostly because I haven’t been able to organize my thoughts for long enough to get them out. You know? So I didn’t blog and I just let the thoughts ramble around my head until I felt a little crazy, until I cried over yet another episode of Grey’s Anatomy (I really need to stop watching that show because it just depresses the shit out of me). Last week was the week for breakdowns and feelings of “I can’t” and crying and screaming at kids like a crazy person. It was the week for starting a bunch of tasks and completing zero of them. The week of making big goals, getting overwhelmed by those goals and then having a breakdown because I felt overwhelmed by my huge goals that I had yet to even start other than writing them down.  I did not have my shit together on any level. It was a week of crying to chad over the phone because I felt overwhelmed with the kids and life. Of asking him to call me from work just so I can freak the fuck out over the phone with Dexter crying in the background and Ramona crawling all over me when ALL I WANT TO DO IS DRINK MY COFFEE WHILE IT’S HOT WHY CAN’T KIDS PLAY IN THEIR ROOM FOR 2 FUCKING SECONDS??!! I didn’t know how I was going to get anything done when the smallest task seemed daunting. Like putting on pants. Or showering. So I was the stinky kid with the insane look in her eyes last week. I was scary screaming mommy with no patience.

Needless to say, it was a rough go for everyone involved.

Sometimes shit just gets to be too much, and life becomes too challenging to do anything other than watch Sarah and Duck and feed the kids pb&j sammies for lunch. And dinner. 

Stop judging me.

But this is a new week and we are back at the hospital this week for Noah’s inpatient chemo. So I will write more this week. Because how else will I be able to talk about night nurses or telling our nurse I have to run to the car to get something when really I am going to Starbucks.

Anyway, I had to wake up this morning at 5am so I could get alone time.

So that is my reality today. Also I warmed up coffee from yesterday.

I figure if I set my standards super low there is no where to go but up.

3am thoughts

It’s 3am. To say I’m tired would be doing a disservice to my current emotional state. Exhausted. Spent. Drained. 

Noah has to pee every 4 hours because of his chemo. So even if Dexter decides to start gracing me with sleeping through the night, I’d still have to be up. 

Ever gotten a child out of a deep sleep? It’s like trying to reason with your drunk uncle. He’s belligerent and borderline emotionally abusive and convinced I’m trying to kill him. 

So you know…like being on a playground in hell. 

Because of the shrieking screams Dexter is up now too. My back is killing me because my bed is bowing in the middle.

Also we aren’t at Seidman this time, with the floor ceiling windows and WORKING COFFEE MAKER. We are at Rainbows where our windows are right above a flood light. Or devil light. Light so bright that when someone walks by (it’s motion activated) you’re basically staring into the sun.

Our 20 something resident came in too early this morning again singing SINGING “good morning” to us. I’m planning on making a shank out of my toothbrush so I’ll be ready for that bitch next time.